Saturday, December 30, 2017

last of 2017

boy did i live 2017!

last few years was just work work work, career achievements were most of the highlights of my years. it's all about living and livelihood this year. basically life happened and no matter what hit us, our brain can always handle it. trust your brain. 

i learn that i should trust my instincts and never trust my own wisdom.
i learn that a whole life time is very long, never settle and never think i will get used to it, i will never.
i'm learning how to adult - legal age is not turning into an adult. i'm only learning now at 30, i hope it's not too late.

I hope to remember and apply all these lessons into 2018. hitting the 3s and never look a day older than 2s.

Monday, June 12, 2017

picking up to be 29

i said i want to try and fail, wait and see.

really be careful what you wished for. shit did i lose myself the past few months.
i literally lost my self respect, self esteem, my soul and my weight.

first half of 2017 wasn't so great.
I was clouded by so much foolishness and negativity, it was so unlike me. at the core of the truth, i hate losing. i hate to lose in what i knew i would win. it shattered my heart into pieces and obviously, it didn't taste that good. i would cry and lie down for days and it drastically affected my health too. i started to lose weight and had anxiety attacks, sleep paralysis came back too.

i took me half a year to get back on my feet, it's about time too.
i'm back on my grind, churning stories and creating stuff, being funny and witty, dislike most people except my cats..

i'm slightly stagnant on my work, but i at least i'm positive now.
i'm hoping to work more, overseas work trip again, and more yolo trips!

i think Kex is even stronger and likes herself even more now.

life is not without pain and hurt. i am still thankful i survived, and grew to become the 29 that i should be.

Saturday, February 11, 2017

try to fail


Remember back in August you said that something interesting might be coming up?
you are absolutely right! Something new did sprung up! and as things are still in a very foetus stage, i can only share that i am currently writing a web series which i will be directing.

How cool is that??! Never in my recent years that i imagine myself to be working on something this scale. yea people may say "youtube nia" but to produce a quality "youtube nia" is entirely different story, and i'm on the way to it.

So this is what keeps me busy all these while,
and then the trip.

that unexpected random trip that was confirmed within a few days. I went for a fully paid trip to Aichi, Japan. It was amazing, i met really nice people. really worthwhile trip.

But all in all, i am slightly lost in what would i do.
instead of balancing everything, i want to try and fail.

failure begets anger begets changes.

I'm not sure what 2017 will bring me. but i'll try and fail, wait and see.

Friday, August 26, 2016

fast forward

back in March i had so many ideas and plans which, after 6 months into 2016 are not entirely fulfilled yet. it's funny how human nature feel so entitled to obstruction where there aren't any obstacles in the first place.

fast forward to August 2016.
it's was a busy month and a month of expansion for me.
funny how things just happen when u grow older.
as of august, i am now a home owner, a director and a photographer.

my cosy little apartment is finally done and my address has changed. it's my most expensive purchase by far and it's going to take very long to pay off. but sitting here as i type this makes it all worthwhile. an apartment where i have full control of the design, the furniture and the tv :)

Early August was our drama ministry's Drama Fest for the 4th year running.
This year instead of doing my usual musical piece, i got to direct an original play. A story by Lingual n I, about how a never been attached girl lied about being attached and the lies become truth.
The idea and the message we wanted to portray for the ladies in our midst is that, relationship is not everything. that there are more -ships that are more important. Even though i spent the whole month turning my sleep pattern upside down, editing the script, thinking about their costumes and basically thinking about this baby of mine the whole time. i love it. i love rolling in this grind.
i was so thankful to have the best cast and it made everything very easy for me. and very thankful to have a very encouraging environment be it in church and my friends who are so supportive of me.
I am pretty sure this will not be my one and only directorial. I am a story teller :)

and this week i just came back from Australia with Eliz and Desmond. who has kindly trusted me to be their pre-wedding photographer and flew me to Australia for their photoshoot. yes, a paid trip to take photographs. Honestly when they asked me i was so stressed  and afraid because i really am not a pro. i don't know how to do the focus thing! but the best lessons really come from the job itself. we were pleasantly surprised at the outcome of some photos. I guess having someone they are comfortable with are so important, most of the best shot were impromptu. we just walk and see pretty sights or i just have inspiration to take photos there and they love it.
im so thankful for this chance and am seriously thinking about doing it as a sideline. since i have taken lousy wedding photos myself i think i will know what is good la. hahaha. and i will be pretty selective of the client since it's not my main ricebowl. haha. plus i get to travel, isn't that great?

looking back at this month?
I am really so blessed. Even without a single acting gig, I am still doing things I love. making a home, telling stories, creating images.
i think all of these are the outcome of being an actor. i am an actor therefore things are being done from another perspective rather than the usual.
i guess all these works are telling me something, something interesting coming up.

Friday, March 11, 2016


After many steps, i'm finally going up to the next level. But i'm stuck

I knew what i wanted. 
To be better at acting. To hone my craft. To fulfill a dream of going abroad to study acting because this is the reason why i stopped further studies. 
To be able to produce better works. 

But i have a weird fear now. 
A fear that when i leave, i will lose whatever little works that i have built over these years. 
And honestly, being great at something doesn't mean you will get hired. 
Spending 10,000hours only guarantee you to be great, it doesn't mean the client/director will like your face. 

Like all these while i'm living on raw favour and grace of God. 
I need raw faith of God too. 

Friday, February 5, 2016

i am currently waiting for something to be sent through and am really tired.

it is raining now and allen's sleeping.
we just had our 4th anniversary. we are on our 5th year now.
my house is coming, i'm collecting my keys next thursday.
it's exciting at the same time scary because the amount that we are paying, i'm not sure even if i can pay off in my life time.
that excludes renovations, furnitures, household bills and monthly expenses.
it makes me wonder again if this career i took will be able to sustain even my basic needs like living.
i can't change my path anymore. because i don't have a plan B. i can only face front and swim ahead.

i got my first tattoo. it's a thin cross on my right ankle.
now i can safely say Christ is the "ankle" of my "sole" . haha.
it's actually painless. because it's so small.
and i am already planning on my next one. i have it planned out, flowers that represent my parents and a star that represent me. but i don't know what to represent my brother. they are the ones i protect fiercely. as for allen, i'll have something to represent him.

i'm into cats recently. maybe because the neighbourhood cats that gave me the feels. the old cat at level 2 staircase died. but a new white cat came and he's super friendly. allen n i like him very much, we'll adopt one when we officially move in.
hopefully i will be able to take full responsibility of this living thing.
nothing living ever lived pass its supposed years in my hands.

this entry doesnt flow and it doesnt make much sense. i don't have the energy to gather my thoughts like i'm writing a composition. nobody's grading this entry anyway.

transferring's done. goodnight.

Sunday, January 31, 2016


the ones you'd die for, may not even lift a finger for you.

the ones who will die for you, you may not even worth their time.